Denial as a Coping Mechanism
Recognizing It and Changing the Behavior
Denial is one of the most common and powerful defense mechanisms we use to protect ourselves from uncomfortable truths, painful emotions, or overwhelming situations. It can serve as a temporary shield, allowing us to avoid facing things that might be too difficult or distressing. While this coping mechanism may offer relief in the short term, it can prevent personal growth, healing, and the development of healthier ways of dealing with life’s challenges.
In this blog post, we'll explore what denial looks like in real life, how it affects our behavior and relationships, and most importantly, how to begin the process of changing this pattern to lead a more balanced and authentic life.
What Is Denial?
Denial is a psychological defense mechanism where a person refuses to accept reality or the truth of a situation. It’s often a way of coping with feelings that are too painful, thoughts that are too uncomfortable, or realities that are too overwhelming. Denial allows people to temporarily escape emotional distress, often by minimizing, ignoring, or distorting the truth.
In the short term, denial can serve as a coping strategy, giving someone a buffer against extreme emotions or a difficult situation. However, when used chronically or in unhealthy ways, denial can prevent people from addressing the core issues that need attention, thereby prolonging pain or dysfunction.
How Does Denial Look in Real Life?
Denial can show up in many different ways, depending on the situation and the individual. Here are a few common examples of how denial manifests:
1. Ignoring or Minimizing Problems
Example: A person who is struggling with addiction may deny they have a problem, even when it’s clearly affecting their relationships, job, and health. They might downplay the severity of their behavior or say things like, “I can quit anytime I want,” despite the evidence to the contrary.
2. Refusing to Accept Unpleasant Emotions
Example: After experiencing a significant loss or trauma, someone may deny their grief and act like everything is fine, even though they’re struggling internally. They might dismiss their emotions by saying, “I’m not upset, I’m fine,” when in reality they are overwhelmed with sadness or anger.
3. Avoiding Difficult Conversations
Example: A couple may avoid discussing serious relationship issues, such as infidelity or financial troubles, because facing the reality of these problems would be too painful. Instead of talking things through, they might act as if everything is okay, sweeping issues under the rug.
4. Refusing to Acknowledge Health Issues
Example: A person might experience symptoms of a chronic illness, like persistent fatigue or weight changes, but deny that these are signs of something more serious. They might continue to ignore doctor’s advice or avoid seeking medical treatment, hoping the symptoms will just go away on their own.
5. Idealizing a Situation or Person
Example: Someone in an abusive relationship might deny the harmful dynamics at play, instead choosing to idealize their partner. They might think, “He/she loves me, they’re just going through a tough time,” despite evidence that their partner’s behavior is unhealthy or damaging.
How Denial Impacts Behavior and Relationships
While denial may offer temporary relief, it can lead to long-term consequences in both personal behavior and relationships. Here are some of the effects denial can have:
Delayed Healing and Growth: When we refuse to acknowledge painful truths, we delay our ability to heal. By denying or avoiding problems, we can trap ourselves in cycles of emotional pain that never fully resolve. Without confronting the underlying issues, growth becomes stunted, and healing is delayed.
Strained Relationships: Denial can prevent honest communication, which is essential in any healthy relationship. If one partner is in denial about problems in the relationship or avoids addressing them, it can lead to resentment, frustration, and a breakdown of trust.
Self-Sabotage: Denial often leads to self-sabotage, as people avoid taking responsibility for their actions or inactions. For example, a person in denial about their financial situation might continue to overspend or ignore mounting debt, making the situation worse over time.
Chronic Stress and Anxiety: When we deny our true feelings or experiences, they don’t go away—they get pushed down into our subconscious, where they can manifest as anxiety, stress, or physical health issues. The longer we deny reality, the more these feelings can build up, creating an emotional or mental burden.
Missed Opportunities for Change: By avoiding the truth or pretending everything is fine, we miss the chance to make meaningful changes. Acknowledging problems, however difficult, opens the door to addressing them, which ultimately leads to improvement and healthier outcomes.
How to Start Changing Denial-Based Behaviors
Breaking the cycle of denial can be challenging, but it’s an essential step toward emotional freedom and healing. Here are some steps to help you begin changing denial-based behaviors:
1. Acknowledge the Denial
The first step in overcoming denial is to admit that it’s happening. This can be difficult, as it requires you to face uncomfortable truths. Start by paying attention to the situations where you might be avoiding or minimizing issues. Reflect on how these patterns may be impacting your life and your relationships.
2. Get Honest with Yourself
Self-awareness is key to breaking denial. Take time to check in with yourself regularly. Ask yourself tough questions like: “Am I ignoring something important? What am I afraid to face?” Journaling, mindfulness, or therapy can be helpful tools in uncovering hidden truths about your emotions, behaviors, and fears.
3. Seek Professional Help
Denial often stems from deep-rooted emotional pain or unresolved trauma, and working with a therapist can help you process these underlying issues. A mental health professional can provide a safe space for you to confront difficult emotions, challenge denial-based thinking, and develop healthier coping strategies.
4. Build Coping Skills
Once you acknowledge the denial, work on developing healthier coping mechanisms to deal with difficult emotions or situations. Mindfulness, meditation, breathing exercises, and physical activity can help you stay grounded in the present and manage overwhelming feelings without resorting to avoidance.
5. Gradually Confront Difficult Truths
Change doesn’t happen overnight, so be gentle with yourself as you begin to face the things you’ve been avoiding. Start by addressing smaller issues or emotions before tackling bigger, more complex ones. Gradually, you’ll build the confidence to confront uncomfortable truths and find healthier ways to cope with them.
6. Embrace Vulnerability
Opening up to others and allowing yourself to be vulnerable can be difficult, but it’s a powerful way to break the cycle of denial. Share your feelings with trusted friends, family members, or a therapist. Being honest about your struggles can strengthen your relationships and help you feel less isolated.
Conclusion: Embracing the Truth
Denial, while initially protective, can ultimately prevent us from living authentically and fully. By recognizing when we are in denial and taking proactive steps to face reality, we can begin to free ourselves from the grip of avoidance. This process requires patience, self-compassion, and the courage to confront difficult truths. With time, support, and a commitment to change, we can break free from denial and create a more honest, fulfilling, and emotionally healthy life.
Be wise. Be well.
-Erin